My Lonely Christmas - Chapter 1

This morning, while eating breakfast, i thought to myself, "i wonder what my friends are doing now?".
I recalled my ex having fun with his overnight with his friends last december 20, and why he wouldn't let me go. I recalled the times my ex and i went to a party far away from my home and he got mad coz i had a curfew. I recalled the time in sinulog where i ruined the fun coz i had to go home early coz my dad is nagging me on the phone. I recalled the day when my old friends invited me to kawasan falls, but i declined coz my mom doesn't want me to go there. i recalled the times that i had declined an overnight barkada party with my old friends coz my parents won't allow me.

Everything... yes, everything. i lost my socializing capabilities. i lost good friends coz i couldn't hang out with them. i lost relationships because instead of going out with them to support them in the parties...i couldn't go coz my parents won't allow me to.

Haha! Life was unfair. Why do i have to live this way? I'm 23, omigod!

Then i spoke out loud to no one in particular, "... i never got invited to any parties or social outings because i always say to my friends, 'my parents won't allow me. my parents won't allow me. my parents won't allow me.' and so i lose my friends that way coz i can't hang out with them anymore."

My mother, who was sitting across me, looked at me and said, "And you're blaming us why you're losing my friends? Just because we tell you not to hang out with them?"

I sighed. I don't mean to blame them actually, but reality hurts... i couldn't hang out with my friends because they just won't allow me too. Late night parties, overnight socializing... going to beaches, resorts or hanging out late at a friend's house. They've always forbidden me to do these things, even if i'm already 23 years old. I was still a baby in their eyes.

I looked at my mom, who grew silent and stared at me accusingly. I wanted to say these words: Mama, how will I ever grow up maturely if both you and daddy still treat me this way? But i can't. I can't say those words. Because I don't know if I'm right.

But a nagging feeling still burdens my heart. i didn't know if my parents were right or wrong. i knew they love me. i knew they're just trying to protect me. but it's hurting me inside.

it's torture. i don't understand what's right anymore.

i thought to myself, "Why am i like this? Why can't i just get along fine with people? why am i born in the first place if i was meant to suffer alone?"

i recalled a saying once: "people are sad creatures. that's why they need other people to suffer so that they can be satisfied with themselves..."

These thoughts circled my mind as i silently ate my breakfast. Slowly, a tear rolled down my cheek. I feel so lonely...

I went inside my room, trying my best to control myself from bursting into tears.
"god, i'm such a crybaby...i wasn't a crybaby before.", i said to myself ,"jazmin, you're pathetic. smile and live it up, girl."

I smiled, trying to cheer myself up. I turned on my computer, checked my emails and yahoo messenger... none. i checked my cellphone... not a single beep. i checked the clock... 10:04. This was driving me crazy. I'm driving myself crazy.

What am i expecting anyway?

it wasn't a shock for me. Deep inside my heart, i was still thinking about my ex. And as i relaxed back in my chair, i looked up at the ceiling and sighed. I decided to work on my friendster profile and changed its look. I had fun a bit... but still, i'm restless.

My old friend, Wella Jane, tried to cheer me up in YM. i chatted with her for a few minutes but then i still wanted something else. Yeah... a message, even just a simple merry xmas message from my ex. But nothing.

I sighed, "This isn't working..." For the next few hours, i kept myself occupied tweaking my friendster profile. boring, huh?

I forced myself to go to church with my parents. and they were happy about it. At first, i decided to wear blue jeans and a purple spaghetti blouse. Then i thought to myself, "Now why the hell would i be getting dressed up for?" I was taken by the impulse to change into an oversized black t-shirt and jeans. And yeah, that was my attire... plus a pair of slippers. and my parents were all dressed up in formal attire. But my parents were pretty happy about it though.

My mom said soemthing about, "The lost sheep has finally come home." But i admit, when my mom said that to me, i smiled despite my mood. ahhh, parents. you hate them, but you love them too.

When i arrived home and turned on the pc. Still nothing. A couple of friends chatted with me for a few minutes but still... my ex wasn't online.

I can't help feeling this way. our break up was on december 11. it was way too soon. right now, as i'm writing this 1st chapter, my tears began to fall.

I wonder how my next chapter is going to be like...