+ Jazmin +

Saturday, January 27, 2007

After all these years... I thought i haven't given up on Love. I always thought i'd eventually 'fall in love again'. But i've come to this point, where i'm tired of 'falling in love' again... i don't want to 'fall in love' anymore.

The heart aches... the pain... the sacrifices...
All i can say is: I don't regret everything i did for my ex's... but the question still remains... is it worth it?

People have been telling me to stop sacrificing my own happiness for a guy. But i can't help it. when i love a person, i give it my all. it's a pitiful mistake, but a mistake i can't help but give to the person i love...

i love too much... i give too much... that there's only a bit left for me.
And people ask me... do you regret it?
And every time, i always answer: No, i don't regret it.
And they ask again: are you happy about it?
And i answer: yes im happy because i made them happy, but i'm sad because... i know after the sacrifice, i won't be getting any response in return.

That's what sacrifices are for... so others will be happy... you hurt a part of yourself. And you don't expect anything in return. At first, it really hurts. And that's why people say that i regret it. But actually, i don't regret every sacrifice i did for the guys i loved in my life. i loved them with everything i've got... and i'm happy that i made them happy even just once. Even if they don't love me in return...

So even if i'm trying to win my ex's affection back... if he says he's happy about it, even if he can't love me back anymore... i'm giving up already. i don't want to be a quitter in this so called 'love', but i guess i'm just too tired to go on like this anymore. i'm scared that if i go on like this... i might lose myself, and kill myself someday... and now i tell the people: he isn't worth dying for anymore. i've done everything i can, to be given another chance... to chase after a guy after being dumped is one of the forbidden 'rules in society for women'. girls like these are labeled 'desperada'. but it doesn't matter what my reputation will be, i don't care anymore. i'm tired already...
so be proud, i'm finally giving up the chase.

but i'm afraid, that in order for me to do this, i'll be sacrificing my friendship with other people... for this guy again. it's a sacrifice that i have to make... again.

someone once told me: "if a guy isn't ready to let go of his friends and vices... then he isn't ready to have a relationship with you..." ----> and you know what? he's right. he's definitely right. but it works both ways. i have to do this too.

and i was willing to let go... but my ex wasn't.

so now... i'm going to give myself a rest.
give myself time.
give myself peace.

i'm giving up on love... i'm giving up on him...
i just realized that i can't take another heart break anymore.
i'm tired now...and there are many other responsibilities awaiting me... college... family... friends and hobbies will be cut off now...

good bye, pc gaming... good bye, hang out...
hello, geek goody-two-shoes world!
may i survive to live and be happy to be alone once again...

i don't think i'll ever love a guy again...
i don't want to be used anymore...
i don't want to be hurt anymore...

*~__ i'm your ragdoll no more ___ ~*

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Pretending is all i can do now...Even if my ex and i still "hang out" as friends, all i can do is lie and pretend that i'm ok now. And everyday, the opposite happens. I say to my friends, "I dont care about him anymore. He can fuck up his life for all i care. It's his sorry ass, not mine."But no... i hurt myself even more when i say it. But if i don't say it, then how can i let my HEART

understand that it's over?It's been a month now. And I still harbor feelings for my ex. It fucking hurts to see him. It fucking hurts when he ignores me.It fucking hurts when he talks to me - as a common friend.As i said before, maybe it's better to lose every attachment i have with him.Lose my other friends... Lose my hobbies...But I'm asking the impossible. If it's possible then I'm probably dead. I would become a zombie with no feelings.. no fun... I would become an anti-social, boring, unethusiastic loner with no life.

How can you pretend to not love the person you love so much?How can you hide love and just let it die alone in your heart?Time? Patience is not one of my fucked up virtues. I don't want to wait for my suffering to end.

Then maybe I'm asking for a miracle. When i say miracle - new set of friends, new place to hang out with, new person to fall in love with. yeah... those kind of miracles...

My mask is crumbling... i don't have the power to pretend anymore. Everyone knows and sees by the way I act that I'm still stuck on my ex. And he's happy about it. He's happy that some girl he dumped is still chasing him.

My mask is falling... I'm not that strong anymore.This was the last straw. This was the last of my capacity to hide.

I can't hide behind my mask anymore. I can't pretend.I can't lie.

*~__ i'm your ragdoll no more ___ ~*

Okay, so today is January 16, 2007. Sixteen.. yes, 16!!! it's my favorite number, next to 13!!! and yes, in all my 23 years of life... every 16th of each month, BAD LUCK strikes me!!! and you ask why i still love that number? hell, i don't know! i just love it. i love the sound of it! i love the numbers! i love the sweet sixteen thing! i love it coz my birthday's on August 16! I love it coz my mom's bday is on July 16! I love it coz my parent's anniversary is in November 16! I love it coz the first letter of my family name, which is P, is the 16th letter in the alphabet!!! Hell, yeah!! i love 16!!!but bad luck strikes me, and it's worse today!!

Here's what happened:

7:00 AM I woke up early coz the freakin' dogs were so loud. There was a fucked up dog fight right outside our house and it took the whole 30 minutes to calm the stupid dogs. i slept again.

8:00 AM The neighbors' cars, motorcycles are driving me crazy, they're off to work or where ever! Hell, i don't care! but they're fucking noisy! So i FORCED myself to get up. Instantly, i got this pit feeling (intuition?) that this day IS NOT A GOOD DAY.

8:05-8:30 AM Tried to make a final debug of my program, and it's still not working! After 4 days of hardwork, i'm still down the pits with this stupid program! I gave up. Failing Grade expected.

8:35 - 9:45 AM Watched Anime to cool off my hot head.

9:48-10:15 AM Took a bath - i ran out of shampoo. fuck life! i had to strangle the shit out of the bottle to get myself a small decent amount. i forgot to buy groceries. reminded myself to buy groceries.

10:15 - 10:25 AM On my way to school in a tricycle. Would you believe?? I forgot my diskette with the program, so i had to go back. My mind was.... flying???

10:30 - 10:45 AM had to beg my dad to let our driver drive me to school (he doesn't want to in the first place coz he's got another appointment at 1:00 pm and he doesnt want the car to go back and forth to save gas.) - he finally allowed me.

10:45 - 11:10 AM yes! reached just in time! (was hoping to see my ex in an internet cafe b4 i go to class.) ahhhhh!!!!!! LIFE!!!

11:10 - 11:35 AM Stood inside and waited. (Please be here, besin - name of my ex) 11:40 AM Whoa! He's here! but... whoosh! huh? *ignore ignore* *heart breaking sounds* then we talked. whee!!!

11:45 AM We both went outside the internet shop. We both separate ways. he wanted to eat. he doesn't want to go to class. i hesistated... (should i eat with him?) *stomach growl* *look at watch....

11:47.... i'll be late if i eat." I waved good bye, turned away quickly so that he can't see MY FUCKING TEARS!!! is that all he has to say??? that he's gonna eat???? WTF???? soooooobbbb!!!

12:00 -3:00 PM Programming.... Programming.... Programming....

3:02 PM Went down from 8th floor by stairs, when i reached at ground floor.... I forgot my bag? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! so i had to go up to 8TH floor again...

3:25 PM *Rush Rush* Walking briskly towards the internet shop. Out of breath.

3:40 PM Arrived at the shop. Saw my EX. I playfully poked his head. No response. *Poke Poke* Silence. *POKKKKKEEEEEE!!!!!* ---> harder. He turned his head, then back at the DOTA game. Yeah, just turned his head. Snob. I ran out of the internet shop. No, no..i will not cry.

3:45-4:10 PM Walked around the mall, did some groceries, replaced the damaged pc game i bought for another one. *Should i go home? I think he wont care... I bet he won't notice either.* *heart breaking sounds* I walked back inside and played DOTA.

4:15 - 7:00 + PM He was my ally.. i LOST!! no, WE LOST!!! 1st game - 1st loss. big shit? yeah... my MOOD went down the drain. i became a zombie.

7:00+ PM My ex wants to borrow my newly replaced NFS-CARBON pc game. *Should i? ohhh yeah... points for him... maybe he'll like me again...* BUMP BUMP TONK BAM! *sound effects for imagining myself hitting my head against the wall...* I said, "No, do i have any obligation to let you try it first before i do?" BUMP BUMP TONK BAM!*sound effects for imagining myself hitting my head against the wall...* Did I just freaking say that??? Now how am i supposed to score points with him? Now wait a minute! why should i score points with him?? he doesn't want me back anymore!!! Leave him!!! I quickly said bye and rushed towards the jeepney stop with my heavy groceries and bag.

7:00+ 15 minutes later... No jeepney with available seats... too many people mobbing the jeeps... I went back to the mall, told my friends that i'm goin on a taxi, ignored my ex... even if i met his eye. don't wana look at him. i might cry. can't he see i'm struggling with my bag, heavy book and grocery bag? can't he see i need his help? can't he.......................................... aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! i walked fast. no, i wont cry.

7:00+ another 15 minutes later... No taxi. I'm a good girl. i let the elder people with big groceries first. sacrifice. *stomach growl* hungry.... BEEP! BEEP! yey! a taxi!!! 7:50 PM The taxi's engine went dead. HAHAHAHA! I LOVE YOU 16TH OF EACH MONTH!!! I'm gonna kill myself someday.

8:00 PM Hurrah! the engine was ok again.

8:20 PM Arrived Home. Taxi Charge: 72.00 php. i paid 100 php. While looking for change, SLOWLY... i repeat... SLOWLY... the charge went up: 75.00 php he gave me 25 php change. WTF??? i said: "Manong, I looked at your meter, it was 72.00. your change is lacking. Give me 28 pesos." The driver glared at me. I glared back. FUCK YOU!!! he gave me 28 pesos.
ASSHOLE! Your taxi banged up on me, u added the charge and now you're fucking glaring at me??? You fucking stupid, prick head?? ---> no, i did not say that to him. I slammed the door shut and grabbed for the house gate. Ewwww!!! Disgusting Black OIL!!!! yeah, OIL!!! Yehey! I got oil on my right hand and 2 packages on my left hand plus a falling bag by my shoulder and a messed up hair with a demonic face... I WANT TO SCREAAAAMMMM!!! i kicked open the gate, slammed the living room door and my mom went rushing down the stairs and i yelled,

"MA, sorry but i've had a run of bad luck today so please... don't say anything until i've calmed down." Silence. "thank you." i said and rushed to my room.

BAD LUCK??? it was hell!

BEEP BEEP! --> cellphone message

THe fuck!!! I want to throw my cellphone.
I opened the inbox.

Besin...

Silence. yeah, i'm better now.

*~__ i'm your ragdoll no more ___ ~*

What does love mean?What does it mean to love?The word love is vague for me now...There is no such thing as "you're the one for me".There is no such thing as "I will love you forever".I don't even believe in "I love you" anymore...

In all my relationships, I learned one thing.NOBODY LASTS. People fall in and fall out of love. Eventually, they'll get TIRED of you and MOVE ON.

Stick to one? Hah! What does that statement mean? Loyalty? It's possible to "stick to one" and "be loyal" during the relationship...and then you realize, "OMG! This girl/this guy isn't the right one for me."just like that. SNAP! Out of the blue. Then you find a reason, an excuse to break up with that person.

Lame excuses like: Long distance relationship, or weird personality, or too old, or too young, or too possessive, too jealous, too clingy, too selfish... reasons like that.

When people age... or when they grow up, one day they'll realize: these reasons doesn't really matter at all. These are just fucked up reasons so that you could loose yourself from an attachment.

Love? That's what it is - an attachment.

You feel comfortable with a person. You date her/him. You decide to be with her/him. And when you're tired of her/him... You break up. Well that's not love at all. It's just infatuation gone out of hand.

I Love You...

No more... It's better to use "I like you" instead...

*~__ i'm your ragdoll no more ___ ~*

Saturday, January 13, 2007

I lie awake and see myself

Surrounded in the pits of insanity...Images run through my mindI need to wake and go back to reality...

Pushing forward, all aloneI see myself as hard as stone...trapped in silence, unable to speakto reach your hand but i'm so weak...

So broken.... ( cold and frozen )My words... ( left unspoken )Reach out... ( just believe and shout...)Save me... ( from the sea of doubt...)

I lie awake and see myselfin a dark red pool of blood and lustvenom thoughts run through my mindthe light covered by smoke and dust

Pushing forward, all aloneI see myself as hard as stone...trapped in silence, unable to speakto reach your hand but i'm so weak..
.
So broken.... ( cold and frozen )My words... ( left unspoken )Reach out... ( just believe and shout...)Save me... ( from the sea of doubt...)

- a song by me -

*~__ i'm your ragdoll no more ___ ~*

Saturday, January 6, 2007

i used to complain about how a boyfriend can be so possessive, over protective and very doubtful about my independent actions.

i used to hate it when they call on the phone asking where i was, or what i was doing, or why i was home late with a bunch of guys, and always demanding an explanation for everything that i do... "why this? why that?" or telling me things that i can't do... "you can't do this and you can't do that..."

Stuff like that.

And i would always use that reason to break up with them: "my boyfriend was just so possessive, jealous and he doesn't trust me at all."

And then i fell in love with this guy, jan francis.

And he hates it when i call on the phone asking where he was, what he was doing, why he was home late, and always demanding and explanation for everything he does... "why this? why that? " and telling him things he can't do... "you can't do this and you can't do that..."

Stuff like that.

Then he broke up with me last december 11, 2006...

And his reason was: "jazmin was just so possessive, jealous and she doesn't trust me at all."

My reason... became his reason. Life is playing with me...

*~__ i'm your ragdoll no more ___ ~*