Stubborn Heart of Mine - Chapter 4

"Ma, I'm going out." I called out before I closed the gate and hurried out of the house. I grabbed my cellphone and instinctively dialed a number. "Hey, besin, wanna play DOTA at the shop? I also got the cd here, if you want to get it. I'll just be in the shop. Are you going out today?" I heard myself say. Omigod! What am I doing? "Sigh... yeah, ok, I'm going. Just wait." he said irritably over the phone. Jazmin! Ditch the phone!!! I winced. I was hurt. I knew I was making the first move again. The first move to reconcile with my ex. yeah... pathetic. I sighed. Even after i texted him at 1 am telling him: "Don't worry. I will move on without you. I can't be in love with you forever." And now, look at me. I'm still here...and I'm calling him over the phone, asking him to meet me... again! My words and my actions are totally opposite. My mind and my heart are still debating with each other. Can somebody just shoot me??
"Uhm...ok, thanks. I'll just wait for you then. Ok, bye." I said quickly and ended the call before I could hear the dial tone on the other end. I sighed as I got inside a jeepney and placed my cellphone back into my pouch bag. I looked down at my attire, a mini skirt, a purple blouse, black slipper/sandal. I was hoping I look, uhm, sexy enough for besin. But I don't know if I look good in this outfit. I looked around the jeepney. "Oh, great..." I thought, "I'm the only girl here." A guy winked at me but I didn't care. I ignored him. This outfit is for besin, and for besin only.
When I reached the shop, Besin wasn't there. I waited for about 40 minutes then I went to another internet shop where my friends, Randy and Gelo, worked. "If besin won't be coming here then I shouldn't waste my time hoping he'll come here. I'll go find something to amuse myself." I thought, as I waved at Randy and Gelo inside the shop. The three of us talked about online games for a while. Though I had fun talking with them... my anxiety was killing me. I wanted to see besin so much. You're hurting yourself, jazmin... But I had this gut feeling that he'll be coming... and I don't want him to wait all by himself in the other shop... Great! Now my mind is debating again.
"Randz, Gelo... See ya later!" I called out as I exited the shop and hurried back to the other shop for the meeting place. Half of me expected that besin won't be there. I took a deep breath before I entered the internet shop, and to my surprise, sitting on a chair, watching a DOTA game, was besin! My eyes lit up. I guess the people can see I'm radiating with happiness as I approached him. "Heys..." I nudged him a bit. He looked at me with an annoyed look, "What?" He's hurting you, damn it, jazmin, can't you see? I shook away my thoughts and smiled. "Don't be so grumpy! Look, I'm sorry. Don't be mad at me anymore. We're still friends, right?" I grinned and gave him the cd. "What's inside the cd?" he asked. "DeathNote Anime, as promised." "Ahh, ok. thanks" he said nonchalantly. Leave now!!! Let him see you have pride!!! "I'm going to eat lunch. How about you?" "I just ate." he replied, his eyes still on the pc of the guy infront of him. "Oh. Ok... uhm... i guess..." I hesitated. Go! damn it! Just go!!! "Ok, I'll eat lunch." I said and quickly turned around, went out of the shop and calmed myself down. My knuckles were white. I realized I was holding my breath. Damn it, damn it, damn it!
I ate lunch alone at our usual eating place. The guy behind the counter asked me, "hey, what about your beloved partner? aren't you eating together?" I stood still, "Uhm... he already ate." I said calmly and smiled, "How much?" The guy looked at me with a questioning look. I just laughed and gave him the exact amount.
I ate silently...feeling lonely and sad. But I ate hurriedly. I want to see if he's still there... will he be there? Does he have other plans? I rushed back to the shop. I tried to calm down. Yes! He's still here!!! Whee!!! I approached him with extreme caution. I don't want him to look at me annoyingly and say I'm a bother. "Uhm... so do you wanna play?" I asked. He shrugged. Silence. Silence. More Silence. Don't lose to him, jaz... I went to the counter, "Log me in at pc Number 33."
I played A.I. DOTA for a few minutes. Then I felt a nudge on my shoulder, "Jaz, 3 on 3 DOTA." I looked up from my seat. Besin! Omg! Omg! He wants to play with me? Good...are you happy now? The happiness left as soon as it started. We lost 2 games in a row. And as usual... he blamed his comrades, meaning me and the other guy who was practically feeding to be killed by the enemy. He got mad and went out of the shop. I thought he was going somewhere else and leave me. I sighed. I will not cry. I will not cry. I thought about quitting but then I heard someone mention my name. "Ok, I'll team up with jazmin, the 4 of us team up." the voice said. I turned around. Oh... the guy named Dax. Besin isn't really in good terms with Dax. Yeah, you know... there's just this 'enemy' aura around besin and him. "Ey, jazmin. Let's play. Let's team up." Dax said to me. I was shocked. Now what was this all about? Suddenly, he's friendly with me? Besin's .... ex? Dax grinned at me, "Ok with you?" I smiled back, "Sure. Why not?"
Jazmin, you're making a big mistake. Besin will hate you for this. Who cares? I'm not his girlfriend anymore!!! I found myself having fun while playing with Dax, Butch and the other guys. There are just some games that are played for fun and i like it. With Besin... he just makes everything so serious. It's like a death match for him.
But that's not the only deal here... All the time, besin was watching our game. Though not behind my back... but behind the other player's backs. And all the time... I was watching him. Now and then, I could catch besin's eyes but he'd just turn the other way, ignoring me and roaming around the shop, pretending not to see me. What is this? Is he mad at the lost game? Is he jealous??? Damn! Talk to me! My hero died. I couldn't concentrate. "Jaz!" Dax's voice called. "Aw! Sorry!" I apologized and caught besin's eye. Besin's eyebrows furrowed and he glared at me, "What?" "Are you mad at me?" I asked him. "Yes." At that, he sat far away from me and looked at another guy's pc. Shit... what did I do? Oh yeah...I remember now. Last night, my girl friend and I chatted over YM. My girl friend added him in YM and besin got mad at me. Sigh... Ok I admit. It was my fault. I wasn't able to ask permission from besin if he wants to add my girl friend to his YM List. It was a complete intervention of privacy in the part of besin. I was intruding his space by giving out his id to my girl friend. I didn't know that he would get mad at me. After all, I just wanted to introduce both of them. Just trying to get along. But instead, he was mad at me.
I covered my face with my hands. I will not cry. I will not cry!!! The guy to my left nudged me and asked, "Jaz, are you ok?" I looked at him. Huh? Do I know you? "Yeah I'm ok." I replied, just to be courteous. I glanced back at besin. he was looking at me, but then he turned away again. Don't keep your hopes up, girl. Remember, he doesn't love you anymore... I sighed and went back on the game. Then suddenly the guy to the left handed me his earphones, "Hey listen to this song in O2Jam. I got this at normal x5 speed." What the - ? I looked at him, "Who? Me?" The guy nodded, "Yeah. You. Listen to it." I glanced at the game. Fine. Since my hero died I might as well listen to it. I grabbed his earphones, "Oh, this song?" "Yeah, what speed did you get it at perfect?" he was grinning and looked interested, while he played O2Jam and glancing to talk to me. "Oh, just at x3. I couldn't go more than x4." I said as I glanced back to besin. Besin seem to know every time I look at him coz he'd meet my eyes, then look away again. He's practically ignoring me on purpose. Fuck! Two can play at this shit. "Wow! You're so good at O2Jam." I commented the guy. "Nah not really." Omigod... what the hell am i doing? "No... you're really good. I can't catch up to the speed." "But you're good in O2Jam too. I've seen you play it." I raised an eyebrow. Huh? "Really? I'm not as good as you though." I laughed. Omg! Are we flirting? I didn't know if besin was listening or not. but for some reason, i hope he is. And i wish he'd go green with jealousy. Yeah! go for it, jazmin! I looked at the guy to my left. He was talking to me about O2Jam stuff and I wasn't listening. I cringed. He wasn't my type. WAHAHAHAHAHA! "Look, I need to concentrate on my game. So please don't talk to me." I said to the guy, who quickly replied with, "Oh yeah, I'm ok with it." I glanced at besin again. I just couldn't take my eyes off him. Pathetic!!! At 5:10, I wanted to go home. I don't want to go home late wearing a skirt and all. I glanced at besin who was playing another game. Damn, he looks just so darn cute! "Hey, how's the game?" I asked. "Ok." "That's nice..." I stayed beside him. "Umm it's already 5 pm." He didn't say anything. Jaz, go home. Dont wait for him. "I think I'll go home now..." I clued in. No reply. Fuck! I went outside and surprisingly... it was raining! Heaven's blessing? I went back in and bought Chippy. "Wanna eat?" I offered him the Chippy. He got some. Whee! But I made another mistake, "Just get more if you want, Baby." Omigod! He glared at me, "What did you say?!" I winced. "I mean... besin. sorry, it slipped out." "Just shut up." That's it! get out of there, girl!!! Stand up for yourself!! I didn't. My butt refuses to move from the chair. I was glued in.
At around 6:30, the game was finally over. And yeah, I was standing outside the shop, waiting for him, then he stood beside me. I looked at him. Silence. I continued to stare at him and finally he looked at me. "I'm going home." he said. "Yeah me too..." Awkward Silence. I can't talk. I didn't know what to talk about. No... this isn't happening. Why can't I talk to him anymore? "Ok, I'm going." he started to walk away. But then he paused a bit, glancing at me. "I'm...I'm going with you.. err, down I mean to.. ride a taxi." I smiled. Shit.. spending 50 bucks on a taxi on the way home just so you can be with him? "I'm sorry. Don't be mad anymore, ok? Peace!" I tried to cheer him up. "Yeah.. yeah." "Are you still.. mad at me? for what?" "You shouldn't have given my YM ID to your friend!" Shit! I was right. "I'm sorry." "Well, what's done is done." He started walking faster. And I slowed down my pace a bit. Turn back, girl. Go home. Ride a Jeep! 50 pesos ain't worth this shit just to argue. My feet continued to follow his direction. When we reached downstairs, he turned to me, "Bye." He left me alone. He left me to ride a taxi alone. See? I told you so. I waited for 30 minutes for an empty taxi. None. And I don't see him anymore. He already left...
I can't talk to him anymore... He acts as if he doesn't care... He's avoiding me... He's hurting me... Ah, finally... slowly... I realize... I'm moving on...

Chapters of My Life - A Story (2)Foolish Dreams - Chapter 2

December 26, 2006. I glanced up at the clock on my bedroom wall. 8:00 AM. I groaned and rolled to the other side of the bed. I don't want to wake up yet. I don't want to expect something. I hid my head under my pillow, blocking out the sunlight and the noise outside. I closed my eyes and recalled what happened late last night.

It was very late at night, around 10pm or so... I felt so lonely. The whole Christmas Day was a total bore. The only thing that can make me happy was only my ex. "If only he'd be online... then I'll calm down.", I thought to myself, trying so hard not to burst into dramatic tears again.

I couldn't help it. I got my cellphone and called him up.

His cellphone rang many times. I expected that he won't answer me. As the ringing continued, my heart faltered... it was as if a hand was crushing it. I waited, silently murmuring to myself, "Please answer... besin, please answer..."

"Hmm?" his voice suddenly rushed to my ears.

"Bes?" i was shocked, surprised and overwhelmingly happy.

"Yeah? What is it?" he asked casually. "I... I..." I stuttered, unable to find words, "Merry Christmas!"

He chuckled, "Merry Christmas."

I couldn't stop myself from blurting out, "Can you log in YM? I really wanna chat with you... I just feel lonely and I don't have anyone to talk to and..."

OMG! i wanted to slap myself. I sounded like a complete idiot!

"Why?" he cut me off. My mind went blank. My heart stopped. Why?

He asked me why? I held back my tears, "I just want to talk to you. Please? Can you be online in YM?" I expected a negative reply. I was ready to get hurt.

Suddenly, he chuckled, "I'll try."

What? I was stunned. For a moment, i wanted to jump and scream out my joy. "Really? Uhm, thanks... it's just that i just feel lonely with no one to talk to this christmas... i just wanna chat... uhm, i'll just be online." I mumbled my words quickly.

"I'll try." he repeated.

When we ended our conversation, I couldn't help but smile widely to myself.

"Whee!!" I thought, "I can chat with besin!" I was in a childish happy mood. I decided to read manga while I waited for besin to be online.

After a few minutes, something in my head said, 'Jaz, besin won't be online.you're wasting your time.'

I shook the doubts away. 'I believe him. I believe him.' I repeated in my mind. Time passed by. My doubts was increasing.

I closed my eyes, 'I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry!'

I was getting lonelier and lonelier by the minute. The night was silent, my parents were already asleep. I was so sad. I cried.

then on impulse, out of complete frustration and irrationality, I greeted my other ex, "Ey, belated Happy Birthday! Merry Christmas!"

My other ex, Al, replied and we texted and joked about things.

But in my mind, all i could think of was besin.

Everything i said to Al were not serious. It was just something i said out of frustration and despair.

I was lonely... and I needed someone to talk to. But Al and I only sent about 4 messages to eachother. It wasn't a serious conversation at all.

And i felt lonely all the more.

"Bes..." I thought, "Please... be online. I need you..."

I hated myself. I was obsessed by besin. I hugged my knees and held back my tears. Man, what a crybaby!

I was overwhelmed with happiness when i saw the message from YM.

"Besin logged in." the message said.

Quickly I messaged him, "Merry Christmas!"

It was fun talking to besin, even if he was just asking how to change his friendster profile, I had fun teaching him. I just missed him so much.

I didn't notice the time until it was 1:00 A.M. already. he said he was just going AFK for a moment. So i waited. 1:30 came. He still wasn't back.

I thought, "maybe he got disconnected."

My eyes started to droop. Oh no!

I decided to leave a message for him, "I'm planning to go out tomorrow... uhm... if you wanna accompany me.. pls just leave a message here in YM. i'm going to sleep now."

I turned off my pc. Then decided to text him about my plans tomorrow, just to double check.

I went to bed. but i couldn't sleep. so i turned on the pc again, around 1:40 AM.

I checked my YM to see if he's still there but i saw that he was already OFFLINE.

I held back my disapointment, and texted him: "Since u didnt leave a message sa YM about your decision... i guess you didnt want to go with me?"

I turned off my pc and forced myself to sleep. At 2:15, i was finally able to sleep.

And now, morning has come. I sighed and threw my pillow to the edge of the bed. I was scared to face the pc and turn on my YM. "Did besin reply?" I wonder.

I decided not to turn on the pc and just go out on my own.

but my body won't obey my wishes, automatically, it turned on the pc. connected the DSL, and signed in YM.

I closed my eyes and held my breath. Took me 10 seconds to open my eyes and glanced at the OFFLINE message archives.

"Message: 1:45 AM. Besin: jaz, i got disconnected. sorry i wasn't able to reply. I'll try to see if i can go out tomorrow."

"Message: 1:45 AM. Besin: jaz, are you in invisible mode?"

"Message: 1:50 AM. Besin: DING!!!"

I gasped, and stopped myself from crying - again.

I was very very happy! Besin actually left messages and waited till 1:50 to see if i replied. I went back to bed and bit down my pillow.

Why did i ever doubt him? I texted him that morning, "I'll be online in YM. so if you wana chat, i'll be online."

Sad to say, besin wasn't online all morning.

I left a message to our friend, magz, "magz, if ever besin will be online. just talk to him about our plans to play DOTA today ok? I'll just text you if the shop's open."

I turned off my pc. I sighed, "Bes... are you going to be with me today?" I thought to myself.

I dressed very slowly, pausing every 5-10 mins just to decide on a shirt and jeans to wear. My cellphone was blank. I sighed again. I was hopeless. Beep! Beep! I quickly grabbed my cellphone.

Message: Jaz, are you sure the internet shop is going to be open today? I'll be going out. Text the others to join us. ~besin~

Okay, that did it. I quickly dressed up and hurried down to the car.

On my to the mall, my dad had some errands for me, so i had to stop by and buy things for my dad first before i could go to the mall.

I was getting worried if besin went to the internet shop alone and found taht it was closed, so i quickly ran up to the mall and went to the shop. I checked the shop. IT WAS CLOSED.

Oh, no! I quickly called him up. Ring! Ring! Ring! Ring! "Please pick up, please pick up..." I thought as i paced around the mall. "Hello?" besin's sweet charming voice picked up. "Bes! Did you go out already? The shop's closed. where are you?" "Downstairs. Wait I'll go up." I couldn't help but smile as I hang up the phone.

I was going to meet besin! My heart sang happily.

When i met him, he had this really straight, angry face - the face he always puts up to annoy me.

But it doesn't matter, I was happy. I just smiled, "Hey! I texted magz. We'll just wait for him." We sat at a bench and he said, "I'm hungry." "Let's eat together?" I asked him, "Or do you want to go with me to buy groceries?" My hopes up. His brows furrowed, "No. I go eat alone. You go and buy groceries."

My hopes down. "Ohh... ok... uhmm..." It was awkward but I'm still happy. I was able to see besin and it really made me happy. I stared at him, with a goofy grin stuck on my face. I was acting like an idiot! He stared back at me, raised an eyebrow, "What?" His tone was cold and serious. So I decided to let it go. "Ok, so, uhm, I'll go shopping and you go eat." I continued smiling as i turned around and left for the groceries.

I was downright happy!

I quickly finished my shopping and went to the shop downstairs. When i found out that he wasn't there, I went to our usual place to eat.

I actually didn't expect him to be there... I just had my hopes up, plus.. I was hungry. I didn't eat lunch either. I decided not to look for him as i entered the small eating place. I bought my food nonchalantly and when I went to find an empty space, surprisingly, Besin was there! "Hey, wash your hands first before you eat." he said to me.

I was so happy, but when i went back to my seat, I realized that he was already finished eating. I was kind of disappointed... Will he wait for me? To my surprise, Besin handed me the rest of his softdrinks and waited. I was smiling, sipped a bit from the straw then handed it back to him. "That's yours." he said. "Ok. Thanks!"

"Can I borrow your phone? I need to text a friend of mine" "Okay sure!" I handed him my phone. "You can text magz and the others too." "Maybe later." he handed me back my phone but i insisted, saying, "It's okay. You can use my phone."

He shrugged and started to text with my phone.

I was happily eating my lunch when suddenly he said, "Hey, here's your phone back" I took the phone from him, and he said, "Ok, I'll go ahead to the shop." "... o-kay." I was confused... Now what was that all about?

I hurried eating and went to the shop.

Besin was back to his "ignoring-jazmin" attitude. We talked about some personal things for a while then he said something that slapped me back to reality. "Why did you text your ex, Al?" he asked me accusingly. 'Especially about personal things? Do you really think that I'll be happy or willing to get back to you if you're acting that way?"

I didn't know what to say. Then it dawned on me, he read my SENT MESSAGES outbox in my cellphone! My eyes went wide, "I - I - I..." I stuttered. I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry! "Omigod, Besin... Please...understand. I was lonely. And you weren't there... and since we broke up... I didn't know what I am TO YOU. If you were my boyfriend, I wouldn't have sent those messages to my ex! But they mean nothing, they were all jokes, meaningless things that aren't true!" I wanted to say these things to Besin.

But I can't! I didn't know if he would believe me. All i said was, "They weren't serious, Bes... they're just jokes." He shook his head, "those kind of messages were jokes?" Before the argument went any bigger, I went outside for air. If not, I might burst out crying again. I wanted to run away! But I wanted to be with Besin.

I wanted this to be settled. I don't want to run away anymore! I needed to be with him! Damn my impulsiveness... How could i have been so careless? I was so sure that besin wouldn't read my outbox. And i didnt even bother to erase those messages to my ex, because i knew.. they weren't serious! I trusted Besin that much! I thought that this wouldn't mean anything to him!

Then this thought occurred to me: Besin... he was jealous. He was actually hurt. Omigod! Because of my stupid, meaningless text messages to my ex, Al, everything went in shambles! Everything went down the drain!I made another FATAL MISTAKE to getting back besin in my LIFE!!! I wanted to cry!!! I realized that Besin... he was about to give me another chance and i ruined it!!! I completely ruined the chance!!!

I decided to run away then... But when he went out of the shop, I said to him," I'm going to ayala." "Do they have a casing for my phone?" he asked me. My hopes went up. Does this mean... he still wants to hang out with me? "Maybe. Let's check it out." We both went to ayala, and he was back to "ignore jaz" attitude. Although, he smiled some times during our conversations.

His smile, his shining bright eyes... it was everything. It was enough to make me feel happy. We roamed around ayala, ate at Sbarro (my treat), talked about many things! I didnt notice the time until he asked me, "Should we go now?" I couldn't react. Deep inside, I wanted to say, "No! Please stay with me a bit longer. I still want to be near you... to talk to you." But I can't. So I said instead, "Uhm... yeah." I expected that he'd leave me alone and go separate ways but he didn't. It baffled me until we came to the jeep, I asked, "Where are you going?" "To the house of my friend, i'm gonna hang out there a bit." So we rode the jeep together, at the front seat.

I was happy that we could sit next to each other again. The feeling was so comfortable and nice. I was straightening out my pants. He mumbled something to me but I couldn't hear him. "What?" I turned my face to him and when I did, he looked at me and touched my lips with his fingers. For a moment there, I thought he would kiss me. Omigod! "Jaz...please move on." he said while he touched my face. My heart dropped. I knew I was looking at him with all the love I've felt for him, I knew I wasn't over him yet... I was still in-love with this guy!

He was also staring back at me intently. But I can't read the expression in his face, he was looking at me, alright... but it wasn't love anymore. or if it was love... then he was hiding it very well. This hurt me so much. Is this love... or is it something else? Why is he looking at me that way? I can't read his feelings anymore. I tried so hard to hold back my tears. But it damn hurts!

We ended up in a park nearby and had a long talk. For me, it was a very fun and lovely night. It was romantic and sweet. I said to him, "I'm so happy, bes." "Why?" "I'm happy that the both of us finally spent time together in a park... it's just so sad that we came here only after we broke up..." I looked down sadly. "Jaz... move on. I promise I'll help you to move on. Just take it slowly." "Bes... i have a question..." "Yeah?" "If...if i didn't message my ex... would you have given me a chance...?" He sighed, "Yes...I was about to give you another chance and make up with you... but when i read those messages, i was hurt and i changed my mind..." "Omigod, omigod... but bes, those messages weren't serious! Please understand.." "Yes, I know. You were just lonely, and you needed someone to talk to... that's why. But jaz, take a look at it this way. If I were you, and I texted my ex about personal things... would you have given me another chance when you found out about it?" I was silent. He was right. My spirit was breaking... I had been selfish! I was selfish, impulsive and irrational again! I let my emotions beget me. "Omigod, omigod, omigod..." I murmured. "Jaz, stop it. Don't cry." "But bes... they weren't serious..." "Why do you always make excuses?" "So does this mean... I lost the chance...?" He nodded.

No, no... no... nooooooooo! I failed. I failed. I failed! It was a foolish dream after all... The whole day... I actually hoped that I'd make things right. And i failed miserably.

I lost the chance... A fatal mistake... And it was gone...

How can I ever forgive myself now??? A foolish dream... will never be a reality...