Stubborn Heart of Mine - Chapter 4

"Ma, I'm going out." I called out before I closed the gate and hurried out of the house. I grabbed my cellphone and instinctively dialed a number. "Hey, besin, wanna play DOTA at the shop? I also got the cd here, if you want to get it. I'll just be in the shop. Are you going out today?" I heard myself say. Omigod! What am I doing? "Sigh... yeah, ok, I'm going. Just wait." he said irritably over the phone. Jazmin! Ditch the phone!!! I winced. I was hurt. I knew I was making the first move again. The first move to reconcile with my ex. yeah... pathetic. I sighed. Even after i texted him at 1 am telling him: "Don't worry. I will move on without you. I can't be in love with you forever." And now, look at me. I'm still here...and I'm calling him over the phone, asking him to meet me... again! My words and my actions are totally opposite. My mind and my heart are still debating with each other. Can somebody just shoot me??
"Uhm...ok, thanks. I'll just wait for you then. Ok, bye." I said quickly and ended the call before I could hear the dial tone on the other end. I sighed as I got inside a jeepney and placed my cellphone back into my pouch bag. I looked down at my attire, a mini skirt, a purple blouse, black slipper/sandal. I was hoping I look, uhm, sexy enough for besin. But I don't know if I look good in this outfit. I looked around the jeepney. "Oh, great..." I thought, "I'm the only girl here." A guy winked at me but I didn't care. I ignored him. This outfit is for besin, and for besin only.
When I reached the shop, Besin wasn't there. I waited for about 40 minutes then I went to another internet shop where my friends, Randy and Gelo, worked. "If besin won't be coming here then I shouldn't waste my time hoping he'll come here. I'll go find something to amuse myself." I thought, as I waved at Randy and Gelo inside the shop. The three of us talked about online games for a while. Though I had fun talking with them... my anxiety was killing me. I wanted to see besin so much. You're hurting yourself, jazmin... But I had this gut feeling that he'll be coming... and I don't want him to wait all by himself in the other shop... Great! Now my mind is debating again.
"Randz, Gelo... See ya later!" I called out as I exited the shop and hurried back to the other shop for the meeting place. Half of me expected that besin won't be there. I took a deep breath before I entered the internet shop, and to my surprise, sitting on a chair, watching a DOTA game, was besin! My eyes lit up. I guess the people can see I'm radiating with happiness as I approached him. "Heys..." I nudged him a bit. He looked at me with an annoyed look, "What?" He's hurting you, damn it, jazmin, can't you see? I shook away my thoughts and smiled. "Don't be so grumpy! Look, I'm sorry. Don't be mad at me anymore. We're still friends, right?" I grinned and gave him the cd. "What's inside the cd?" he asked. "DeathNote Anime, as promised." "Ahh, ok. thanks" he said nonchalantly. Leave now!!! Let him see you have pride!!! "I'm going to eat lunch. How about you?" "I just ate." he replied, his eyes still on the pc of the guy infront of him. "Oh. Ok... uhm... i guess..." I hesitated. Go! damn it! Just go!!! "Ok, I'll eat lunch." I said and quickly turned around, went out of the shop and calmed myself down. My knuckles were white. I realized I was holding my breath. Damn it, damn it, damn it!
I ate lunch alone at our usual eating place. The guy behind the counter asked me, "hey, what about your beloved partner? aren't you eating together?" I stood still, "Uhm... he already ate." I said calmly and smiled, "How much?" The guy looked at me with a questioning look. I just laughed and gave him the exact amount.
I ate silently...feeling lonely and sad. But I ate hurriedly. I want to see if he's still there... will he be there? Does he have other plans? I rushed back to the shop. I tried to calm down. Yes! He's still here!!! Whee!!! I approached him with extreme caution. I don't want him to look at me annoyingly and say I'm a bother. "Uhm... so do you wanna play?" I asked. He shrugged. Silence. Silence. More Silence. Don't lose to him, jaz... I went to the counter, "Log me in at pc Number 33."
I played A.I. DOTA for a few minutes. Then I felt a nudge on my shoulder, "Jaz, 3 on 3 DOTA." I looked up from my seat. Besin! Omg! Omg! He wants to play with me? Good...are you happy now? The happiness left as soon as it started. We lost 2 games in a row. And as usual... he blamed his comrades, meaning me and the other guy who was practically feeding to be killed by the enemy. He got mad and went out of the shop. I thought he was going somewhere else and leave me. I sighed. I will not cry. I will not cry. I thought about quitting but then I heard someone mention my name. "Ok, I'll team up with jazmin, the 4 of us team up." the voice said. I turned around. Oh... the guy named Dax. Besin isn't really in good terms with Dax. Yeah, you know... there's just this 'enemy' aura around besin and him. "Ey, jazmin. Let's play. Let's team up." Dax said to me. I was shocked. Now what was this all about? Suddenly, he's friendly with me? Besin's .... ex? Dax grinned at me, "Ok with you?" I smiled back, "Sure. Why not?"
Jazmin, you're making a big mistake. Besin will hate you for this. Who cares? I'm not his girlfriend anymore!!! I found myself having fun while playing with Dax, Butch and the other guys. There are just some games that are played for fun and i like it. With Besin... he just makes everything so serious. It's like a death match for him.
But that's not the only deal here... All the time, besin was watching our game. Though not behind my back... but behind the other player's backs. And all the time... I was watching him. Now and then, I could catch besin's eyes but he'd just turn the other way, ignoring me and roaming around the shop, pretending not to see me. What is this? Is he mad at the lost game? Is he jealous??? Damn! Talk to me! My hero died. I couldn't concentrate. "Jaz!" Dax's voice called. "Aw! Sorry!" I apologized and caught besin's eye. Besin's eyebrows furrowed and he glared at me, "What?" "Are you mad at me?" I asked him. "Yes." At that, he sat far away from me and looked at another guy's pc. Shit... what did I do? Oh yeah...I remember now. Last night, my girl friend and I chatted over YM. My girl friend added him in YM and besin got mad at me. Sigh... Ok I admit. It was my fault. I wasn't able to ask permission from besin if he wants to add my girl friend to his YM List. It was a complete intervention of privacy in the part of besin. I was intruding his space by giving out his id to my girl friend. I didn't know that he would get mad at me. After all, I just wanted to introduce both of them. Just trying to get along. But instead, he was mad at me.
I covered my face with my hands. I will not cry. I will not cry!!! The guy to my left nudged me and asked, "Jaz, are you ok?" I looked at him. Huh? Do I know you? "Yeah I'm ok." I replied, just to be courteous. I glanced back at besin. he was looking at me, but then he turned away again. Don't keep your hopes up, girl. Remember, he doesn't love you anymore... I sighed and went back on the game. Then suddenly the guy to the left handed me his earphones, "Hey listen to this song in O2Jam. I got this at normal x5 speed." What the - ? I looked at him, "Who? Me?" The guy nodded, "Yeah. You. Listen to it." I glanced at the game. Fine. Since my hero died I might as well listen to it. I grabbed his earphones, "Oh, this song?" "Yeah, what speed did you get it at perfect?" he was grinning and looked interested, while he played O2Jam and glancing to talk to me. "Oh, just at x3. I couldn't go more than x4." I said as I glanced back to besin. Besin seem to know every time I look at him coz he'd meet my eyes, then look away again. He's practically ignoring me on purpose. Fuck! Two can play at this shit. "Wow! You're so good at O2Jam." I commented the guy. "Nah not really." Omigod... what the hell am i doing? "No... you're really good. I can't catch up to the speed." "But you're good in O2Jam too. I've seen you play it." I raised an eyebrow. Huh? "Really? I'm not as good as you though." I laughed. Omg! Are we flirting? I didn't know if besin was listening or not. but for some reason, i hope he is. And i wish he'd go green with jealousy. Yeah! go for it, jazmin! I looked at the guy to my left. He was talking to me about O2Jam stuff and I wasn't listening. I cringed. He wasn't my type. WAHAHAHAHAHA! "Look, I need to concentrate on my game. So please don't talk to me." I said to the guy, who quickly replied with, "Oh yeah, I'm ok with it." I glanced at besin again. I just couldn't take my eyes off him. Pathetic!!! At 5:10, I wanted to go home. I don't want to go home late wearing a skirt and all. I glanced at besin who was playing another game. Damn, he looks just so darn cute! "Hey, how's the game?" I asked. "Ok." "That's nice..." I stayed beside him. "Umm it's already 5 pm." He didn't say anything. Jaz, go home. Dont wait for him. "I think I'll go home now..." I clued in. No reply. Fuck! I went outside and surprisingly... it was raining! Heaven's blessing? I went back in and bought Chippy. "Wanna eat?" I offered him the Chippy. He got some. Whee! But I made another mistake, "Just get more if you want, Baby." Omigod! He glared at me, "What did you say?!" I winced. "I mean... besin. sorry, it slipped out." "Just shut up." That's it! get out of there, girl!!! Stand up for yourself!! I didn't. My butt refuses to move from the chair. I was glued in.
At around 6:30, the game was finally over. And yeah, I was standing outside the shop, waiting for him, then he stood beside me. I looked at him. Silence. I continued to stare at him and finally he looked at me. "I'm going home." he said. "Yeah me too..." Awkward Silence. I can't talk. I didn't know what to talk about. No... this isn't happening. Why can't I talk to him anymore? "Ok, I'm going." he started to walk away. But then he paused a bit, glancing at me. "I'm...I'm going with you.. err, down I mean to.. ride a taxi." I smiled. Shit.. spending 50 bucks on a taxi on the way home just so you can be with him? "I'm sorry. Don't be mad anymore, ok? Peace!" I tried to cheer him up. "Yeah.. yeah." "Are you still.. mad at me? for what?" "You shouldn't have given my YM ID to your friend!" Shit! I was right. "I'm sorry." "Well, what's done is done." He started walking faster. And I slowed down my pace a bit. Turn back, girl. Go home. Ride a Jeep! 50 pesos ain't worth this shit just to argue. My feet continued to follow his direction. When we reached downstairs, he turned to me, "Bye." He left me alone. He left me to ride a taxi alone. See? I told you so. I waited for 30 minutes for an empty taxi. None. And I don't see him anymore. He already left...
I can't talk to him anymore... He acts as if he doesn't care... He's avoiding me... He's hurting me... Ah, finally... slowly... I realize... I'm moving on...