Why do these occasions bother me always?
first, i had to go through a lonely christmas, a lonely new year, and now a lonely valentines day? it's frustrating!

i mean, come on... why even bother? why do i always have to feel lonely and depressed when i can't spend these occasions with a special someone? am i that dependent on the feeling of "being loved'"? love from parents is different... or maybe it's because i lack this 'love' that i'm seeking it so desperately.

i don't know why but it's been driving me crazy for almost 2 months now. i never got over the loneliness and depression i'm feeling right now. and i've been bruising my brain with programming projects just to keep me busy and distracted... and now with the pressure i face, the exams...the programs... i'm feeling drop dead sick today. With cough and colds and a killer head ache... how am i supposed to feel any better by forgetting about 'loneliness and depression' through studying? Instead, it's making me worse.

i haven't slept much in the past few days, trying to finish my programs in time for next week... but no, i can't think right. and everytime i force myself to think, my head hurts... and i jsut want to get everything over with and fast! but instead, i'm delaying my projects... yesterday, i decided to play and enjoy myself by shopping and going to the mall myself. but it was a mistake. i felt lonely again... and even more depressed. and all the more... i can't think right while making my projects...

sometimes i wish i wasn't born in the city. then i could have gone to a riverside or a flat meadow somewhere to cool off my head and just listen to nature... but no, i'm stuck in this polluted, noisy, uncomfortable neighborhood that fills me with pressure all the more.

i'm going through a lot of feelings right now... feelings that i can't simply express in words... it's like: confusion, loneliness, sadness, helplessness, restlessness, desperation..... all for what? all for whom???

there's no one to blame, really, but myself. i was the one who chose this path. so i need to suffer from it. Lonely Valentines Day? hmph! Again, i will need to force myself to forget about it... even if it hurts so much.

All i can do for now, is to counteract my exaggerated feelings of loneliness and depression by forcing myself to FORGET EVERYTHING. sometimes i wish, i had temporary amnesia. so that i could forget about the past... and possibly.. forget about my feelings for this guy.

Yeah... it's really going to be a Lonely Valentines Day for me... i think i'm not going to school that day. I'll just cry and get envious of the happy couples around me that day.

hahaha damn...